First Morning

I was prepared to do it all perfectly. But, at 4 am, I woke up because I couldn't breathe. So now I'm sitting here, my nose dry but stuffy, my throat sore and itchy and my head all fuzzy. I took my Metformin, later than I wanted to, but I took it. No side effects so far. We'll see how I feel after lunch.

In the past, when I wanted to change my diet, my will power sucked. This time is different. I know that the sooner I fix my eating habits, the sooner I get this medicine into my system, the sooner I get to hear the words I want to hear. The sooner I get to tell my amazing husband, "You're going to be a dad." It helps that Michael wants this as much as I do. He's careful not to say too much, but to say enough to let me know he's still with me. Our dreams are still linked. I think sometimes he worries about wanting a baby too much, that his desire will only make mine worse. But I want a baby for multiple reasons, and one of those reasons is to make my husband a father. I wonder if we're born with that innate desire. Maybe that's what keeps people reproducing.

Every Big Change Starts with One Small Step

Baby steps. That's what I'm thinking. Small steps to my goal, my baby goal. It comforts me to have steps. In school, especially with math, I did better with steps. Like, step one: write out the equation, step two: add and subtract first, etc. So getting life felt better in steps. 

Step One: Meet a guy. 

Step Two: Fall in love.

Step Three: Get married.

Step Four: Have babies. 

Those were the steps we took. But step four isn't happening and I never planned for an alternate step four. I never even considered that step four would be infertility and step five would be fertility treatment. Those just weren't steps in my plan. So, I had to rewrite the next few steps. 

Step Four: Infertility.

Step Five: Medication and weight loss for infertility.

Step Six: Put everything on hold. 

Step Seven: Try not to lose my mind. 

Okay, so step six and seven aren't really steps, but they've both crossed my mind. I tell myself that once we get pregnant, it will make my pregnancy better, more special, my babies will be loved a little more. The extra work, the extra steps will intensify the experience. I hope it's true. Infertility is a devastating word, a devastating thought and a devastating experience. It tears at my heart every day. But, it's not all bad. There are elements of infertility that aren't all that bad. It's brought Michael and I even closer. We can talk about anything, I mean ANYTHING. We have discussed a lot of things that normal couples never even think about. We know each others bodies in a way a lot of couples never do. Our pregnancy will be so welcome, we will be so ready. Our baby will never hear the word accident. Those are small blessings in the midst of this mess. 

So back to step five. Michael and I saw my OBGYN today. She put me on birth control to help regulate my periods and a drug called Metformin to help my insulin levels. I'm not diabetic, not even pre-diabetic, and I don't have PCOS, but this drug will keep my body more level and hopefully teach my body to ovulate. We'll do three months of this. Three months of medication and weight loss. Then it's baby making time. I could be pregnant by May if all goes well. It's so abstract to me, the idea of actually getting pregnant. Danielle and I went to a weight loss support group. There's exercise involved and talking about healthy habits. It's also part of Herbalife, but that part isn't necessary to be in the group. 

So for now, I'll focus on Step Five. In the mean time, I'll update on the medications and the weight loss. January 14, 2014. CD1 (according to birth control). 367 pounds. Tomorrow is day one of Metformin. 

Here goes!